Finding inner peace

This is about my inner turmoils.

Having a severe illness can be crippling, not to mention ruining your days. Imagine if this lasted weeks or even months. An illness you never had before that you don't even know was there. An illness that causes you unecessary problems with everyday life, making you unable to eat or sleep.

I had such an illness but it's classed as one umbrella. It's regarded as "silly" or just downright self pitying but it's far worse and for each woman it can be different, as it depends on who she is and how well she can cope. I could not cope with it.

The illness is called Post Natal Depression or PND. I did not have depression but I suffered the consequences of hormone imbalance. Some women prefer to call it "Baby Blues" where women find themselves feeling sad and weepy. However, I wasn't feeling sad, tearful or depressed. I wouldn't regard it as a Baby Blues syndrome or even a post natal depression but this is the phase I had it and this is what the umbrella illness is called. It's misleading. A lot of women that have it are depressed though but some are not suffering depression, they feel okay but they become ill in other ways. It's just that PND is the tag fixed to the hormonial imbalance. It should be called Post Natal Illness or PNI.

I had a post natal type of illness. PNI is also branched off with different names. What I had was PNI and Post Natal Psychosis or "puerperal psychosis". When I looked into this a year after recovery, I found to my shock how I could identify with what other women suffered having puerperal psychosis.

I will not enter a discussion about my personal experience as it was awful and will take so much time to talk about and also I don't want to think too heavily about it. This is quite a "rare" illness or is it?

Puerperal Psychosis
PNI

The illness resulted in throwing me into complete discord. I found myself out of balance, no settlement and no peace. I was constantly wondeirng about what was going on during my illness and also angry with the reaction I received from people who are supposed to care. Today some women who suffer PND are treated almost like criminals and there is little info on this. Being a mother is wonderful and a new stage in life but no one ever warned me that I could get an illness like puerperal psychosis. The illness can cripple a woman mentally and psychologically if not treated quickly. I started going without food, not realising I was hungry and lost track of time. I felt different in the world but also vulnerable and half-asleep or basically I was not all there.  

It might be worth considering that this is also not entirely an illness but could be regarded as one of women's mysteries, and some of these women are without guidance or sympathetic helpers to assist them on a path to an inner health. Instead women are thrown into wards and given medicines like seroquel and bracketed by others around them as a "nutcase". Some PNI experiences are almost paranormal but it doesn't mean that it is. I believe women suffering that illness are open to all kinds of negative forces and will need protection or to retain their own identity so they would be safe from (or as they imagine) deterioration. Also negative entities may be attracted to a woman suffering PND, especially if she dabbles in the occult without prior knowledge or assistance.

It has been said the illness returns again after another pregnancy but some women can be helped to prevent it from happening again.This can be through a doctor or a registered CPN (community psychiatric nurse). The medical profession are still trying to understand PND and what actually causes it, why, and why most women on the grand scale don't have it, and why others do and why some types and degrees. Doctors have a lot to look for if PNI is really a complex and deep subject, far more deeper than usual human brain activity. What if it is not just a mind imbalance but an impact of the sensitive woman's mind caused by something going on outside?

There is very little info on helping women suffering PND via spiritual groups. There aren't any mystic gurus and witches that have really said anything about it and if there are, do they help women? As a Heathen I found no comfort from those around me who are pagans themselves (they were not sympathetic) but eventually I found help came in an unusual way and this enhanced me in mind and spirit after recovery. I may discuss my illness another time. For now though I posted a couple of links in case you or someone you know might have PND.

I give my thanks to those who helped me (you know who you are).

Anger

Anger is part of nature but on some levels it needs control. Some anger is necessary but other times it is not. Some forms of anger isn't supposed to happen because the person trains themselves into feeling angry when they shouldn't. Anger is born from tensions and also when someone takes an event to heart and feel betrayed, belittled, ridiculed and hurt.

Wolves get angry. Werewolves obviously get very angry. It is my attempt, as a Therianthrope to control the rage, and calm the inner wolf, so that I can live peacefully. Being restless is a form of disharmony and some types of anger is proof of self imbalance.

Anger itself is linked to fire.

Inside everyone is an internal fire.

It can feel like a star, or a flame. It grows intensly and then reduces to smouldering embers and sparkles.

Fire is a positive tool as it helps us to be creative and passionate and enjoy wonderful sex. When we experience the internal fire it can feel like "butterflies" and it alters in different moods. During a heat of passion, we feel this flame grow softly and tingling and then exploding to orgasm.

We also get hot about many things, including writing, painting, forming ideas, going on adventures and even shopping! However, this inner fire can also be tapped into when we're feeling more negative. It creates a build-up of tensions and it may result in us sweating and having burning sensations on the skin that could be linked to going red-faced. Shy people and socially anxious people experience this sensation when they go jittery with nerves, feel embarassed and red, perspiring and twitching muscles. This isn't easy to control as shyness or bashfulness isn't logical but more intuitive.

You can't always control these fires, especially if they are caused by chemicals in your brain and body that associates this mood with that event. You subconsiously train yourself to react to certain patterns. You can channel the fire to alter its temperature, colour and direction, by using visualisation, breathing techniques, change of diet, more excersise, finding outlets to let off steam, other stimuli, doing meditation, getting plenty of sleep, adopting new things, and so on. You won't change it right away as it takes practice until you find something that you are most comfortable with. Anger is used by the inner fire and as I mentioned this angry fire is in everyone. In small children as well as young animals, the inner fire is untamed. This is why they must be disciplined by adults with various techniques, that offer them stimulus and outlets, a way of being creative is a way of channelling aggression. Learning to control your anger is like making your own psychological alchemy. 

It is often important to analyse what you're doing when you feel angry. Understand:
1. WHEN you become angry
2. WHY you are angry
3. Who you are being angry with.

These three things are key answers to solving your anger problems. Once you have established the causes, you can ask yourself what made you think this way. Don't forget that you must never take anything personally. If things are said directly at you personally, why let this matter? It depends on who says it. If you don't know this person, you should feel satisfied knowing you are at an advantage here because you know the truth, you know the answer and you understand who you are. Anyone who says something unpleasant might be "looking" for a fight and don't give them that. If you know the person who upsets you, discover why they are trying to press your buttons and if they don't tell you why, look for the following clues:

Are they happy themselves?
Have they lost something or are they irritable about something besides you?
Do they feel physical pain?
Are they afraid of something large and simply taking it out on others?
Do they seem unable to control the way they are?

If you feel angry, and I bet most of the time when you're angry you don't really want to be, consider all those things before the angry fire takes over you. You must settle and calm down. Take deep breathing excersises and drink fluids, especially cold water. The opposite of fire is water. Find something cold and wet, and symbolically wash yourself down, or do so literally. Think of cold thoughts like the arctic basin or a shimmering waterfall or a deep blue sea. Think of stuff that makes you feel cold "spine chilling" sensations, like the topic of ghosts for instance. Alter your mood. Let this anger fade. Anger happens and it's channeled/controlled by warriors. Turn your anger into calmness.

A self help guide to controlling anger
Advice on anger

Black Widow

Most of what we know about spiders is vague. People are frightened of them. Like the wolf, spiders are associated with the night, death, fear and horror.

I, too, suffer from arachnophobia. This type of phobia is, according to some psychologists, an evolutionary fear instead of a nursery influenced fear. Most people say spiders cannot harm you because they are more afraid of you being of larger size. Some others believe that the spider fear comes from learning about rhymes such as Little Miss Muffet, that is supposed to make a child run away from a spider. Others are beginning to think it's more than that.

Spider fear occurs before the indoctrination of nursery rhymes. The fear of spiders was noticed among small children who knew nothing about Little Miss Muffet yet except the cute cartoon spiders on TV shows and the "Incy Wincy" rhyme. Children are already scared of spiders after they just encounter them. No one has told them to be scared. People think that arachnophobia is a stupid and childish fear that has no logical sense. They believe you must get over it so they suggest councelling to tackle it. I think that arachnophobia is part of natural human intuition of many people to avoid creatures that could be venomous. Although spiders are far smaller than we, some spiders can be poisonous. It may be a genetic fear that comes from our ancestors who met poisonous spiders in early human settlements.

There is a wide belief that British spiders are "safe". A few people have been taken to hospital in critical condition after a spider bite in this country. What caused this was a particular species of British spider called Steatoda or "false black widow". This spider resembles the black widow spider and there are different types of the Steatoda in the UK. They are regarded as the most poisonous spiders found in the British Isles. A bite from such spiders can cause severe burning pain. More info on false black widow bites

There are many spiders to watch out for as they can bite but they don't attack. They like the warm weather and this is when they appear. Women and children are more afraid of spiders than grown men. The effects of many spider bites vary from a burning sensation, flu symptoms, fatigue, nausea and even death. If you have arachnophobia, please don't let other people make you feel ashamed of it but the phobia mustn't take over you.   

False Black Widow
Poisonous spiders

Regardless of the fear of spiders all around us, spiders feature positively in some traditional cultures. Apart from the friendly spider themes in popular kids fiction like Miss Spider, Charlotte's Web, Spider Woman and Spider Man, the spider appears widely in myths and legends. It's well known that the Native Americans believe in The Spider Grandmother who created life. The idea of the "dream catcher" derives from these stories. The Celtic Goddess Arianrhod was said to be a spider goddess, as her name means the "silver wheel" and "queen of the wheel". She has been associated with stars, mainly the Corona Borealis. In Greek mythology goes the tale of a princess named Archne. She was so skilled in her weaving craft that she was challanged by Athena, the Goddess of art. This led to Arachne transforming into a spider. There is little about spiders in Germanic mythology but I personally consider the Norns to be a close connection with the mysticism of weaving and webs. There are three Norns who are demi-goddesses of destiny, named Fate (Urd), Necessity (Verdandi) and Being (Skuld). They are responsible for the destiny of all things in the cosmos and they weave, or spin, the web of wyrd.

The Norns
Wyrd
Arianrhod
Spider Grandmother
Arachne

Not all spiders are scary. Not all of them can make webs or behave in the manner we think they do. There are some very unusual types of spiders. There is Bagheera kiplingi species of vegetarian spider, recently discovered in tropical climates. The Nephila genus includes a species of glamorous spiders called "Golden Orb Weavers" or "Banana Spiders" who spin shining gold webs. In Japanese folklore, this Nephila spider is considered a Joro Spider and "Jorogumo" is an enchanting spider that can transform into a beautiful sensual woman.With unusual spiders there are the Skytodidae or spitting spiders; Then there is Anyphaena californica the transparent "ghost" spider; The Theridion or community gathering of social spiders; The Portia is a mimic spider; The Mimetidae are called Pirate Spiders because they only prey on other spiders and attack other spider's webs. In modern folklore spiders are identified with vampires. 

Arachnology stories
Golden silk spiders
Vegetarian spider
Spiderz Rule

The above artwork is "Spider's Soul - Aracne" by Cris Ortega